To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
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If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet