To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me trying to look natural in photos
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.