I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
How I like cutting carbs
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.