Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
You Might Also Like
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Am I having a stroke?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You have been warned.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn