My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If only.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.