[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
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[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
i was baptized in a car wash
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*