Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….