My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
You Might Also Like
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.