ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Woke up with morning Yule Log
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.