One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
😍😂🥰😂😍
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
peep davidson
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!