I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume