My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.