Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
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I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.