Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’d use my best pan on you.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.