tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
i wish all
whales
a very
big