What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
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If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I havenāt worn it in weeks and Iām afraid it has gone rogue.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
i be like ācommunication is the keyā then put my phone on do not disturb
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmmā¦
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, youāre having an exitstencil crisis?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself āthis is some real bullshit right hereā
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say āoh that stuff is really good i highly recommend itā
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend downā¦even if you feel the friendship has run its course.ā£ā£
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasnāt left my house in over 2 years* oh no
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers thereās negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. itās kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.