Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.