As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past