What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch