The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
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You better watch out
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care