I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
You know…for fall…
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
She puts the hot in psychotic
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.