me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
You know…for fall…
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.