DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
D: *places giant needle on tray*
D: *places handgun on tray*
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?