DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
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Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.