Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.