My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
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I love it all
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots