Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
#Caturday
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.