[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
You Might Also Like
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I want to meet the individual who made this
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet