Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house