If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I would move hell over six inches for you
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
same bro