The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment