I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My typo game is string.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.