Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.