I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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