Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.![]()
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*