Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Lmao 🤣
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?