@shesananteater Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
@SteveKoehler22 Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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@shesananteater 
@DearAuntAbby I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
@Havish_AF You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
@PeaceInTruth1 Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
@KevinBuffalo *placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
@sarcasticmommy4 My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
@RichHarris2 Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
@kevinseccia I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
@TheToddWilliams ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
@BillyCorben They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
