@SteveKoehler22

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

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@shesananteater

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@Havish_AF

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

@PeaceInTruth1

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

@KevinBuffalo

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

@sarcasticmommy4

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

@kevinseccia

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

@TheToddWilliams

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!