– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[at the general store]
me: one general please
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.