Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
This is me 🤣🤣
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.