Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
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I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up