Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd