Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
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The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
lol
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.