Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.