I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.