If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
The smoothest fall of all time
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…