*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Krampus.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich