*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
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[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.