I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Love this one 😂🧟
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning