*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.