Happy Star Wars day!
You Might Also Like
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*