Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him