No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though