Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy