Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry