me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.